


we control what we can, nothing more (what happens when everyone talks about their trauma)

by avatays



Series: Zukka Single Dads AU [3]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra, Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, CW: talks about death and disease, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, LISTEN THIS IS THE ANGSTIEST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN, M/M, Single Dads AU, Single Parents, pls proceed with caution for this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27683557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avatays/pseuds/avatays
Summary: Zuko always knew that he and Sokka would have to have a longer talk about what they expect from this relationship, but they had been going out for a few weeks and he figured it was too soon to broach the topic.Turns out, fate decided to push Zuko headfirst into his answer, when Senna has an accident that leads to Zuko and Varrick spending time together while Sokka goes to the hospital with her; during this time with Zuko, Varrick has to deal with the PTSD from his mother's death left on his being like a shadow.Zuko spends the day with Izumi and Varrick, thinking about Senna and Sokka, before he realizes what he really wants from their relationship: this family.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Zukka Single Dads AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020577
Comments: 19
Kudos: 208





	we control what we can, nothing more (what happens when everyone talks about their trauma)

**Author's Note:**

> !MAJOR CONTENT WARNINGS!: discussions (though not explicitly shown or described) of the following: death, PTSD, cancer, pregnancy, miscarriages/abortions, and child abuse. there is also an injury, although nothing too serious.  
> like seriously this shit got kind of dark.  
> DISCLAIMER: it has a cute fluffy ending, but if these are triggering subjects, please do not read i don't want to risk upsetting anyone.  
> thank you, and i hope you like this! (really though, i hope the ending and the cute little moments spread throughout will make the pain worth it)  
> -tay

Varrick was done with his test first, of course. He always was. Zuko was serious when he said Sokka should consider trying to get Varrick moved up a grade or two, possibly even three.

Believe it or not, that wasn’t even something he was saying to butter Sokka up by complimenting his child, it was just fact. Varrick had a twelfth grade reading level as an eight-year-old, was teaching himself chemistry because he got bored, and once Zuko saw him reading a calculus textbook, which was made even more ridiculous when he realized that their school didn’t offer calculus and Varrick must’ve brought the book to school himself. 

Zuko was worried that if things continued to progress with Sokka the way they were, his students — or more likely, their parents — would find out about his relationship with Varrick’s father and accuse him of favoritism. (Which means they’re lying to themselves, Varrick’s a certifiable genius — possibly a mad genius, but the jury’s still out on that one.) 

Surprisingly, Varrick had been keeping his mouth shut about it. He had expected Varrick to jump all over it, but Varrick had been mum about it to the other students, for reasons beyond Zuko’s understanding. Still, things were going very well between him and Sokka, they’d become “official” just a few weeks ago, and Zuko was feeling great about where they were at. They hadn’t really discussed what they want for the future yet, which was going to need to come up sooner rather than later, but Zuko didn’t want to ruin the blissful stage they were in currently.

Varrick sat back down after putting his test on Zuko’s desk, and he pulled out a chemistry textbook, probably checked out from the High School section of the library. Zuko looked at him fondly. He really was a good kid — sure, he was a bit hard to handle, but he’s got a big personality and a lot of passion, there’s nothing wrong with that. 

His phone buzzed. He smiled at the name on display, and went out into the hall, keeping the door cracked just a bit.

“Hey, what’s up?” Zuko asked.

“There’s been an emergency,” Sokka said breathlessly.

Zuko’s eyes darted around for a moment to check he was alone in the hallway, then he latched his classroom door shut — he’d just have to hope his students behaved themselves.

“What happened?”

“Senna’s daycare went to the playground today, and she fell off the monkey bars.” Zuko could hear soft crying in the background. “We think she broke her wrist, so Suki and I are taking her to the hospital right now.”

“Poor Senna,” Zuko said with a frown. He knew that Suki and Sokka had gone out today to hunt for a new place for Suki when she moved out, but he was still a bit confused as to why he was being called, apparently being the first person told if the noises of cars and Senna’s crying were anything to go by. “What can I do to help?”

Sokka sighed. “I don’t have anyone to watch Varrick after school. Suki’s with me and Katara’s at the hospital all day — we’re going to see her now actually — ”

“Sokka — ”

“ — and Aang’s at a yoga retreat with Bumi for some ‘father-son bonding’ or something, Kya and Tenzin have after school activities before they catch a ride with some upperclassmen, my dad is in the Galapagos with our step-dad for their twenty-year anniversary — ”

“ _Sokka_ ,” Zuko interrupted loudly.

Sokka stopped mid-ramble. “What?” 

“I can take Varrick,” he said. “He can come hang out with Izumi and I until Senna’s all fixed up and home from the hospital.”

Sokka let out a breath that he’d been holding, and seemed to relax. “Thank you.”

“It’s not a bother, really,” Zuko said. “I’ll just let Varrick know, and if he wants confirmation he can call you.”

Sokka laughed mirthlessly. “I doubt he’ll ask questions, he really likes you.”

The ends of Zuko’s mouth quirked up at the compliment, before he said, “I’ll let you get back to the drive, be safe, and give Senna my best. She’s going to be fine.”

Sokka let out a shaky breath. “Yeah, I know. Thanks. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

He hung up, and went back into the classroom. 

\---

When the final bell rang and the students started packing up their bookbags, Zuko asked Varrick to stay back for a minute. 

Varrick raised an eyebrow at him as students filtered out of the classroom. “Are we gonna gossip?”

“Maybe later. Your dad called. Senna got hurt at daycare.” When he saw Varrick’s eyes go wide, Zuko continued quickly, “She’s going to be okay! But she, your dad, and Suki are at the hospital right now, so Sokka wants you to come with me to hang out until they get home.”

Varrick frowned. “Oh. Okay. Are we going to your house?”

“Yeah, once Izumi gets here we can go back to my place. We can order whatever you want for dinner.” 

Varrick perked up a bit. “Really? We can get pizza?”

“Sure thing. Breadsticks too, if you want.”

“Okay!” Varrick said with a small smile. He slung his Iron Man bookbag onto his back, just as Izumi walked through the door. 

Izumi waved at Varrick. “Hey, we leaving soon?” She asked Zuko.

He nodded. “Yeah, we’re taking Varrick with us. Sokka had a little emergency, so he’s going to be at our place for a bit.”

Varrick smiled up at her. “We’re getting pizza!”

Izumi smirked. “Don’t get too excited, he’s only ordering pizza because he’s an awful cook.”

“Well, if I’m expected to learn how to cook on my own, tell your mom to stop pre-packaging so many meals for me,” Zuko grumbled.

“It’s because you forget to eat sometimes, and if she has lasagna already made for you and all you have to do is heat it up, she knows you’ll actually do it instead of asking me to check if you’d eaten dinner,” Izumi said.

“Ty Lee has you _check up_ on me?” Zuko gasped. 

Izumi rolled her eyes. “As if both of them don’t make me check up on you.”

Zuko huffed but collected his things and gestured to the door. On the drive home, Izumi and Varrick talked about things Zuko didn’t really understand — Izumi was showing Varrick something called “TikTok” on her phone and Varrick was whining about how Sokka wouldn’t let him get a phone just yet.

Once they got inside Zuko’s apartment, he gestured towards the living room. “You can take a seat wherever you’d like,” he said to Varrick. “You can watch TV, I’ve got Netflix and stuff.”

“What, you aren’t going to make me do my homework first?” Varrick teased.

Zuko stared at him with one raised eyebrow. “You can do it now if you want, or you can do it after dinner. It’s not like it takes _you_ that long anyway.”

Varrick nodded and dropped his backpack on the floor beside him, before plopping himself down on the couch and grabbing the remote. He scrolled through Netflix until he found a cartoon he seemed to like, and began to watch.

Varrick did his own thing for a while as Zuko went over some of his lesson plans, the soft noises of the TV buzzing in the background and Izumi chattering on her phone down the hall floating like ambiance around the apartment. 

Eventually, Varrick slid off the couch and he went over to the kitchen table and sat down across from Zuko. Zuko looked up at him, taking off his reading glasses. “Do you want something?”

Varrick shrugged. “I just figured I could do my homework while you’re doing your own work.”

“Hm. Okay,” Zuko said with a soft smile.

Varrick reached into his backpack and started to pull out his folders, which were organized haphazardly, although Varrick still seemed to know where everything was as he took out his math homework sheet and a pencil, and worked on the equations. Zuko couldn’t help but watch how quickly he finished the problems. ( _And_ he showed his work, which was like pulling teeth to get the rest of the kids in his class to do.)

Varrick moved on to his English assignment, which was just reading a chapter out of a book. Altogether, Zuko had always said he will never assign his students more than fifteen minutes of homework a day, and some days he didn’t assign homework at all. Firstly because they’re children and have short attention spans as it is, but also because they have lives and some of them have responsibilities. What kind of monster would he be to give eight-year-olds an hour of homework? 

No, he usually only gave little assignments for two subjects a day. Today was reading comprehension and math, tomorrow would be science and social studies. It was much easier that way. Besides, he never actually graded the papers, as long as they did it they got full credit.

Still, he figured that this would be about fifteen minutes for the average student. Varrick, however, had finished the ten math problems in about two minutes, and was breezing through his chapter book so quickly that Zuko had to wonder if _he_ could even read as fast as the kid could. Varrick had a habit of running a hand through his hair with one and turning pages with the other; Zuko figured the kid would be an incredible engineer or mechanic, with how well he was able to multitask.

When Varrick closed the book, he hummed and put everything back into his backpack lazily. Then he pulled out the chemistry textbook and started reading again.

Varrick was writing messy little notes in the margins, including correcting some of the information in the book that he deemed wrong or outdated. Zuko couldn’t help the muted laugh that escaped him. 

Varrick looked up, his dark hair just as unkempt as ever, but even more so since he had just been touching it so much when he was reading. “What?” He asked, confused.

“Nothing. You’re just a really smart kid, Varrick, sometimes I’m surprised by it,” Zuko answered honestly.

Varrick smiled a little. “Thanks. Dad says that too, but I can’t trust his opinion because he’s my dad, and he has to be nice to me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Zuko said, flipping through his papers again. “My dad wasn’t nice to me at all, and your dad’s a pretty honest guy; if Sokka says you’re smart, I’m sure he means it.”

Varrick’s eyes flickered around on Zuko’s face, as though searching for any reaction that Zuko hadn’t given with the words he had just delivered. “Is that how you got your scar?” Varrick asked in the same nonchalant tone that he always asks questions.

Zuko flinched. “It’s not something I like to talk about.”

Varrick nodded. “Oh, so it’s trauma. Aunt ‘Tara taught me that word. Did you know before she became a pediatrician, she majored in psychology? After our mom died, she talked to me a lot about what happened.” Varrick crossed his arms indignantly. “I’m not stupid, I was five, I knew that Mom wasn’t coming back. But Dad and Aunt ‘Tara’s mom died when they were little, and now they think they can tell me how to feel because they went through it too.”

“I’m sure they aren’t trying to tell you how to feel, Varrick,” Zuko said, pushing the papers away. “They’re just trying to help. They love you a lot and just want you to be able to talk about it.”

Varrick sighed. “Yeah, I know. But I remember the funeral — a little, at least, and I understood what had happened. I remember Dad talking to Suki a lot about what was happening, right after we found out Mom was sick. I know they only found out she had cancer after they were gonna have Senna, but sometimes...” Varrick looked down at his lap. “After the funeral, whenever I got angry that Mom wasn’t there anymore, I sometimes wished they had gone ahead with Mom’s treatment instead of waiting for Senna to be born.” 

Zuko froze. What could he _possibly_ say to that? “There’s no use for ‘what if’s, Varrick, you’ll drive yourself crazy,” he managed to push out. “You love your sister, right?”

Varrick nodded quickly. “I do, a lot. She’s my baby sister.”

Zuko smiled, an unbidden image in his mind of his own sister and himself when they were around Varrick’s age, before everything went wrong. “Well, however much you love Senna, just know your Mom loved her like that too. If she made her decision, then she made it because she wanted you guys to be safe, healthy, and happy. That’s all a parent wants.”

Varrick nodded, before going back to the textbook. It seemed the conversation was over. 

Time seemed to pass quickly after that conversation, with the two of them sitting in silence as they did their individual readings. Eventually, Izumi came in and asked if she could go ahead and order the pizza. It arrived quickly, and Varrick closed his textbook.

“Do you think we could watch a movie with dinner?” He asked hopefully.

Zuko shrugged. “Sure, just be careful not to drop your food. Why don’t you go pick out a movie?” 

Varrick ended up picking an old Disney Channel movie, and with the three of them curled up on the couch, Izumi and Varrick sharing a blanket and Izumi continuing to wipe at his face with napkins when he got sauce on his cheeks, it felt _real_. He had never really thought about having more kids, but now with Varrick... it was making him consider the possibility.

The movie reached a cute ending that all Disney movies concluded with, and they turned off the movie. Varrick stared out through the window.

“It’s almost dark already,” he whispered. “Dad’s still not back.”

“I’m sure it’s just taking them a while to finish up paperwork and stuff.” Zuko followed his gaze out at the setting sun. “It’s seven, they’ve only been there a few hours. I’m sure everything’s fine.”

Varrick turned to look at him and Zuko saw something he had never seen on Varrick before: fear. His bottom lip trembled. “That’s what they said with Mom too, the last time we took her to the hospital. She said that everything would be fine, and then it wasn’t.”

Izumi looked at Zuko with wide eyes, clearly surprised at the sudden admission, but she took Varrick’s hand in hers.

“Hey, I know she’s fine,” she told him softly. “Your sister wasn’t sick, she just fell and got hurt. It happens to everyone sometimes.” She held up her hand, and pointed to the scar on her thumb. “This is from when I was about your age, and I accidentally touched the stove when Dad told me not to get too close.” Varrick poked at the faded mark, as Izumi gestured to Zuko. “This guy here totally freaked out. But I was okay. Senna is okay too, I promise. I’m sure your Dad will be coming back soon.”

Varrick shook his head, still looking on the verge of tears. Zuko reached into his pocket to call Sokka, and put it on speaker. The phone rang a few times, and Varrick was staring at the phone in Zuko’s hand like it would give him every answer in the world. 

“Yeah?” Sokka’s voice came through softly, like he was tired.

“Hey, you’re on speakerphone with Varrick right now. He’s just worried since you haven’t called at all today; he wants to know how everything is,” Zuko told him, giving Varrick a thumbs up.

“Oh, we’re good! We were right, she did break her wrist, so she’s going to have a cast on for the next two months. We’re just finishing up here, we’re actually heading out right now. Var, you there?”

“Yeah,” Varrick said quickly as he scrambled closer to the phone. 

“Hey, buddy, I’m sorry, with all the excitement, I forgot to call. Can you forgive me?” 

“Yeah, I forgive you,” Varrick told him. 

“Wanna talk to your sister?”

“Yes!” Varrick nearly shouted.

There was a shuffling, a car door, then Senna’s little voice saying, “Hi!”

Varrick let out a breath like he had been holding it since Sokka first picked up the phone. “Hi, Senna. Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Daddy said that I was so brave, so he got me ice cream and some candy,” Senna said excitedly, although she also sounded pretty tired. 

“I bet you were super brave,” Varrick agreed. “What color cast did you get?”

“It’s purple! Will you be the first person to sign it?”

Varrick smiled. “You bet.”

“Bye! Love you! See you soon!” She called, and the phone was jostled around a bit more.

“You feeling better now, champ?” Sokka asked.

“Yeah.” And he truly looked like he did. “When are you guys gonna be home?”

“We’re leaving now, we’ll probably be at Zuko's in about a half hour. Then we’ll go home, everyone’s had a big day.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you more — oh, Suki says she loves you too. Can you give the phone back to Zuko?”

Zuko took the phone off speaker and stood, walking down the hallway for a bit of privacy. “Sorry to call, but he was really worried.”

“No, it’s my fault, I was so busy trying to help Senna that I forgot that Varrick must be thinking about how his sister’s in the hospital. We don’t...” Sokka paused. “Our family doesn’t have a good history with hospitals.”

“Yeah,” Zuko said softly, walking into his bedroom. “He told me. He said some... interesting things. I mean, he always does, he’s an interesting kid, but it was different this time. He doesn’t normally talk about his feelings much, not around me at least, he’s usually just cracking jokes.”

“Yeah, I guess he gets that from me,” Sokka admitted. 

“He definitely does,” Zuko reinforced. “But he told me about how he remembers all the stuff that happened with his mom when she got sick, and then he said that last time you guys went to a hospital...”

“Yeah,” Sokka confirmed. “The last time any of us went to a hospital was when Yue’s health got so bad that we knew it was going to happen soon. We spent the whole time she was there in the building with her; Katara brought the kids back and forth to her office a few floors below to let them sleep on the cot in there. Yue passed a few days after we got to the hospital. Senna wasn’t cognitive enough to develop that fear of hospitals, but Varrick did. I wasn’t sure how much of what happened he really understood at that age, but he was able to recognize that we went into a hospital with Mom, and then we left without her.”

“Yeah, I gathered about as much,” Zuko said as he sat down on his bed. “Just... drive safe, get here when you can.”

“Okay.” There was a pause, like he wanted to say something more, then thought better of it. “I’ll see you soon.”

\---

There was a knock at the door. Varrick nearly tripped jumping off the couch as he rushed to the door. He threw the door open, and crashed into his father, holding onto his legs. Sokka picked him up and hugged him. Varrick was taking deep breaths and Sokka kissed his hair. He smiled gently at Zuko over Varrick’s shoulder.

“Where’s Senna?” Varrick asked.

“She fell asleep in the car, she’s with Suki. You can go see her if you want, I need to talk to Zuko before we go.”

Varrick nodded, and rushed out to the car. Zuko saw Suki get the door open for him, before he most likely gave his sleeping sister a hug. Izumi slowly backed out of the living room, waving goodbye to her father and not saying a word as she went to her room, clearly sensing that this was something they needed to discuss alone.

Sokka’s eyebrows knit together. “Can we go somewhere private?”

Zuko led him back to his room, and the second Sokka closed the door, he turned to Zuko with a heartbroken expression. He looked like he was going to cry, and was just waiting for the right time, when his kids weren’t around. “I’m so sorry,” he began.

“You don’t have to apologize for leaving him with me, I’m with Varrick all the time at school,” Zuko told him.

“No, I should’ve known Varrick would freak out,” Sokka continued, sitting down on the edge of his bed and taking a breath. “I should have just taken him out of school early or something to come with us. I know how he feels about hospitals, it was probably so much worse for him to know that he was the only one that wasn’t there.”

Zuko was quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say. “Can I ask you something?”

Sokka nodded, not looking up at him.

Zuko sat down next to him. “Varrick said that sometimes he wondered what would’ve happened to his mom if she hadn’t been pregnant when you guys found out she had cancer...”

Sokka sighed. “Of course he figured it out. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“What did he mean by that? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, but — ” 

“No, if he told you part of the story, you should hear the rest.” Sokka avoided his eyes. “During our first appointment to the OB/GYN in the first trimester, that’s when they found out she had leukemia. And they gave us options, but if she started treatments, there were some that would potentially... end the pregnancy. They told us it was important that she start treatment soon, but it was her decision. She told me that she wanted to wait until Senna was born to do anything. You’ve got to understand, I love Senna and Varrick more than I’ve ever loved anything, any _one_ , in this world, but at the time I was just so... angry. Because I was selfish. I knew how much she wanted another baby, and so did I, but I almost wanted her to start the treatments and risk it. I didn’t want to lose her, but in the end, it wasn’t my decision to make; it never was.”

Zuko noticed his hand shaking, so he grabbed it and held on. Sokka closed his eyes, and squeezed Zuko’s hand back. “By that point,” Sokka continued, “the cancer had progressed too far, and the chances of stopping it or even prolonging her life for another few years were slim. I wasn’t ready to accept it at the time, but Yue knew. And I know that if Varrick has figured out why Yue refused treatment, he probably blamed Senna at one point. I can’t lie and say I hadn’t thought about what might have happened if Yue had gone along with it. Would she still be alive now? Would Senna? But everytime I even _try_ to imagine not having Senna — that would hurt more than losing Yue, that would kill me.”

Zuko hesitated. “Do you blame yourself? It doesn’t sound like you blame Senna, which you shouldn’t, but it sounds like... you’re taking on the guilt from it.”

Sokka laughed humorlessly. “You see right through me, don’t you?” He gripped onto Zuko’s hand tighter. “Yeah. I blame myself. I keep asking myself, what if I’d agreed to try for a second kid earlier, would the doctors have caught it soon enough to stop it? What if I’d pushed us to go get bloodwork done at any point before Senna was conceived? I know logically that none of this is my fault, it’s no one’s fault — but that doesn’t stop the guilt from eating me alive when I think of if there was something I could’ve done.”

“I understand the feeling,” Zuko said softly. “I mentioned to you at Aang’s that I was kicked out of the house when I was thirteen; it was the same time I got my scar.” Zuko could feel Sokka’s eyes snap to his face for the first time since the conversation started. “My dad did it. I was always a disappointment to him, but this was... well, abuse victims tend to blame themselves, that’s what my therapist at the time told me. And she was right, I did blame myself. I had wondered for years after I was kicked out if there was something I could’ve done to prove to him I was worthy of his respect, something I could’ve done to get him to love me.”

“Zuko — ” Sokka let out softly.

“But the point is,” Zuko continued firmly, “I shouldn’t have. I can’t control the actions of my father, you can’t control what has already come and passed.” He looked towards Sokka, and Sokka was crying, seemingly everything that had happened today and their conversation now coming to a head and finally spilling over. “We control the things we can control. We can’t do anything more than that.”

Sokka yanked him in to hug him tight. “God, we’re so traumatized,” he said. 

Zuko laughed softly. “Yeah, we really are.”

Sokka pulled back from the hug, but kept his hand intertwined with Zuko’s. “But you’re right, we _can_ only control things that are in our control.”

Zuko turned his head to look at him again. Sokka leaned in, cupping Zuko’s cheek, and kissing him gently. Zuko tilted his body in closer to him, until Sokka parted, pressing his forehead against him while he regained his breath. Zuko grinned when Sokka leaned back, one hand still holding tightly onto his like a lifeline.

“Zuko, I _really_ like you. It’s been a long time since I’ve ever felt like this. You’ve accepted me and all my issues, and with what happened with Varrick today... you’re honestly perfect.”

Zuko blushed. It had only been a few weeks; it felt too early to say that they loved each other, but he would gladly embrace Sokka’s _really like._

“I really like you too,” he told Sokka, looking into his cerulean eyes. 

Sokka smiled again, before he cleared his throat and stood up. “I should go. The kids still have to get to bed, they must be exhausted.”

“Yeah,” Zuko agreed, leading him to the front door.

Sokka opened the door and started to walk away, before he turned back, grabbed Zuko by the front of his shirt, and gave him a quick kiss once more. “If we can only control what we can,” Sokka whispered. “Then right now, I’m happy with what’s in my control — like us.”

With a final goodbye, Sokka walked back down to his car. He got into the passenger seat with one last wave.

Zuko watched them drive off, a grin sneaking its way across his lips, as he whispered, “Me too.”


End file.
